Friday, February 13, 2009

Day 289

A Bumpless Belly Pregnancy

As you can imagine I am still living on a complete adrenaline high. I am overwhelmed on so many levels: God's love for me, the perfection of his plan, the beauty of this baby boy, the beauty of his mother, and not least of all the love and support from all of you. I had a surreal moment tonight when we came home from a celebratory dinner with friends (their treat!), I finished returning my countless text messages and voicemails, and read all 49 blog comments on the baby boy news. Most people have to die and listen to their eulogy/see attenders before they realize just how many people care. The overwhelming number of comments and calls and emails have humbled me. How could I have felt so alone for so long....when all of you were right here the whole time? Your support and genuine excitement has revived my soul. This God-sized miracle is not ours to hold onto...it's too big. We are thrilled to share it with all of you, our faithful friends! Ben and I decided, today, that a massive party is in order, mid-August, so that everyone who is able can meet our sweet miracle!

There are literally a thousand things running through my head, 10 of which are posts that I want to write, but tonight I'm going to highlight the strange contentment I feel toward my belly-free pregnancy. It's taken me by surprise and I want to be sure to document my feelings.

Rebekah and I have connected on so many levels, but the one that stands out most to me has to do with how we relate to others walking in our same shoes. I have probably read through a couple hundred adoption blogs over the last several months and many times what I read leaves me confused and questioning. I have never felt this draw toward pregnancy. Naturally, I want a baby more than anything and the simplicity of the pregnancy process has been a major point of contention in my life. But, my momma heart has always been centered on baby...not belly. And hear me, dear adoption friends, there is nothing wrong with wanting to carry a child, I've just never had this burning desire to do so. I don't understand the pain adoptive mothers feel at not being able to experience a baby in the womb, because I've never had it.

Likewise, when it comes to identifying with birth mothers, Rebekah is at a loss. She doesn't understand the bitter, angry words that, years later, come from the mouths of birth mothers. She doesn't relate to the overwhelming regret and guilt that she finds entangled in their adoption stories.

I share these two threads to show this amazing bond that God has woven between our two lives. We may not fully relate to others, but together our stories fit. I know I keep saything this, but something just feels right. My bumpless belly feels pregnant. I may not birth our sweet baby boy, but their is an everlasting love that sinks to the deepest part of my being that is birthing love for my son and his mother. I am astounded by what my heart feels for this woman. It's only been three weeks, but I love her. Already, she has become an extension of me...an extension I don't think I'll ever be able to live without.

I may have skipped over the morning sickness [real bummer], but Rebekah and I are walking this pregnancy together, hand in hand. Last weekend, Meeghan and I went shopping for maternity clothes. Meeghan looked for herself, I shopped for Rebekah. A few nights ago I looked up the development at 20 weeks and told Ben that Babyheart now has fully developed ears to hear Rebekah's heartbeat and voice...and that he is officially peeing! I was so excited to read about his growth, I immediately emailed Rebekah and sent her kisses for her belly. She quickly responded that little Babyheart is moving all the time and closed with these sweet words: "When I start feeling tired and achy, I think of you and Ben and then its all worth it."

I've seen the pictures, heard the heartbeat, felt the love. No belly is needed for this mama. It's strange and unexpected, but feels wonderful. Baby boy may not physically be growing inside of me, but his heart certainly is.

26 comments:

  1. Great post! It's so amazing reading your journey because it's like I am reliving my adoption journey all over again! I remember going to Pea-n-the-Pod for Heather as well! LOL! It's funny, when we went to visit Heather for finalization we were out to dinner and she was holding the baby. She looked at him, looked at me and said, "He is so cute". She said it like any person says to a mother how cute their baby is. Funny thing is, the reason he's cute id because of HER, not ME! LOL! I said, "thank you sweetheart, but that's all you". It never once occured to her that he wasn't 100% MY son! It's amazing feeling when you can have THAT kind of relationship with your baby's birthmother! I am SOOO happy you are getting to experience that!
    Hugs-Dori

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  2. You are amazing, I have said before you remind me of my oldest daughter (she isn't as kind as you..ha)you just really get what life is about and this little boy is one very lucky boy to have his birth mama love him as much as she does and to have his adopted mom love him as much as she does, I'm praying for ALL of you!

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  3. I love the last paragraph....I was in love with Samuel from day one!

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  4. What a wonderful post. It's truly a miracle that brought you and Rebekah together.

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  5. Isn't that the most amazing feeling. I think I have gained even a few pregnancy sympathy pounds, much like expectant fathers do! A gave me a pregnancy week by week book and it is amazing to see how little one is growing...I don't know how anyone could say that there is not a LIFE even early on in pregnancy.

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  6. that is so awesome and I can relate to not feeling the need to be pregnant again but feeling like I meant to be Mama to more children than what we have now.

    i love the perfect relationship fitting God has put in place between you two...and I LOVE the gift that she knows she is giving you guys.


    SO AMAZING *smile*

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  7. I love this post. I love all your posts but this one shows how two hearts really can come toghter as one. Two moms, so much love for one little person. Wish I could give you a big squeeze. Happy Valentines day Ben and Rebekah.

    R

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  8. I SO agree with all you have said here! I also never mourned the loss of pregnancy - maybe small twinges on occasion, but nothing major.
    I am so grateful for the relationship you are developing with Rebekah. (just so you know... Rebecca - wrong spelling I know - is my middle name :) I too developed an extremely close relationship with my newest daughter's birth mother. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. It made things so much easier in the hospital.
    I have open adoptions with all three of my chilren, but b/c she lived in the same state, I was able to spend more time with our last bmom. We were able to develop a level of trust and closeness that I treasure beyond words. Some people thought I was crazy, some said I should be more guarded, but I too am a all or nothing kinda girl. ANd I can tell you that God completely blessed the faith I placed in Him. The confidence you can have is that you and Ben have been placed in Rebekah's life at this time for a reason - it may or may not result in you parenting her baby, but at this moment God has called you to be there and so you should throw yourself into it with all excellence and allow God to do the rest. I am so proud of you. It is very rare for me to find adoptive parents so willing to embrace wholeheartedly their birth family, no matter the outcome. Thank you!
    my prayers are always with you!

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  9. You have such a way with words. What a beautiful post! I am so excited for you guys! You are going to LOVE having a little boy!

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  10. That's so fantastic! It's great to see all that outpouring of love. Gotta love blogging:-)

    I had mixed feelings about pregnancy before we brought home our son. Part of me wanted the results of it, a child that looked like my hubby and I, and some potential predictability of genetics. The rest of me didn't care. However, after about 6-8 weeks caring for my son, it clicked. He was mine. His face was the face of our family because he is in our family. And the rest of our family couldn't have poured more love on him had I given birth to him myself. Now that I've seen that, I don't care about pregnancy anymore.

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  11. It really sounds like the perfect situation. I'm so happy for all of you. And great news to hear it's a boy!

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  12. I dont think I have ever been this happy for complete strangers. Congratulations to you both, but also congrats to both of your families. I bet they are sooo happy and excited so meet this little guy! You both will make great parents, I am sure of it.

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  13. You DO have an absolutely amazing way with words. I can't remember which of your posts I have responded to (the past few days have been a blur, ha!) - so I just want to be sure to tell you CONGRATULATIONS on baby BOY - wahoo!

    Also I totally agree with what you wrote. I've always wanted to be a MOM, not PREGNANT. There is nothing wrong with women who yearn to be pregnant...I've just never felt that way...

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  14. You are a beautiful woman, Rebekah!!

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  15. I am sitting here with goosebumps from head to toe. I've never met you, although I feel like I know you a bit through reading your blog, and I could NOT be happier for you! I have 4 boys and they are so wonderful. I know you are going to enjoy your son beyond belief!

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  16. He grows in your heart, not your belly.

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  17. I got here via another blog, but I just wanted to let you know that I am so heart-glad for you and your husband. There is no doubt that this is the miracle of a lifetime. Congratulations!

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  18. I know several others have already said it, but I've never been one to mourn never being pregnant. BUT, we also never did any fertility treatments either, choosing not to get on that particular rollercoaster of emotion! The question I would like to ask most fertilty seekers is "Do you want to be pregnant for 9 months, or do you want to be a mom?" Easy choice for me! LOVE my boys that God has given through the miracle of adoption. BTW, my oldest one's birth mom's name is Rebekah...and he was born exactly seven years to the day of when we accepted Christ into our lives, so I'm all about significant numbers!!

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  19. I just wanted to let you know that I just saw your news and I am so happy for you. What a cutie too. Those are great ultrasound pics.

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  20. I totally understand Rebekah! In the end for me, it was not about being pregnant but, being a mom!
    Occasionally, I will have a tweak of sadness at not having had that experience however, I can't look long at my two angels that grew in my heart for many years and feel too badly about it!!

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  21. I loved every word of this post. I still cannot find the appropriate words to express how happy I am for you. I know God knows when I pour it all out to him, though. Praise His all knowing hand!
    *hugs*

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  22. Oh Rebekah! I envy your strength and faith througout all this! You are so sweet and positive and BRIGHT!

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  23. I love your bond together and so long as God remains are the forefront of this no worries! He knows what He is doing. You ladies have a wonderful relationship.

    I'd love to hear more about Rebekah, if she doesn't care about sharing her testimony. That's probably really bold to ask for someone who just found your blog; I mean no offense! I'm just eager to know the birthmother as well.

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  24. I love your story and I can see and hear your excitement. However unless she has given up rights to a child, I don't think she can really say how she is going to feel after the fact.She may say that now, but she may or not feel different. Also just because a birthmom has regrets doesn't mean they regret you as parents or your doing a bad job. It's just that we regret that we are not the Mom.

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  25. I have been checking on your blog for the past few months, ever since my friend jennifer started one about her IF and finally her pregnancy. I am so happy for you that you got a match, and wish you all the best. You are in my prayers!

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  26. found you through jamie (on wings of hope).

    i too am on this adoption journey. our son Cedar was born november 22nd, 2008! we had tried to conceive for five years and to have him in our arms is surreal. our birthparents were miracles to us.

    i am so very thrilled for you and i feel it all along with you. such a precious, sacred, brave, scary, beautiful, messy, love-soaked time. marinate in every moment...

    looking forward to the unfolding of your beautiful story.

    in warmth and understanding,
    denise

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